My last sleepless and eventful overnight call left me feeling pretty drained -- to the tune of a 15-hour long sleep marathon followed by bedtime at 5:30(!) pm after an early day yesterday. Now I'm wide awake (for an intern, anyway) after a semi-disturbing work-inspired dream.
I've grown to accept that the only constant in life is change. Five minutes from now, anything I observe will have changed in at least some small way. I'm learning to observe things as they are.
But sometimes a moment stands in such stark contrast to the one that came before that it's hard to just meekly watch.
My work experiences constitute the bulk of my waking life and increasingly contribute to my core sense of self. Still, I try to avoid bringing details of my patients, their families, and my work day home with me. I gently correct myself when I find myself mentally tweaking patient care plans or musing about a patient's life circumstances during the ride home and as I fall into sleep each night.
I catch myself replaying what I told a worried family, wondering if I softened the blow of the severity of their loved one's condition a little too well. Always, I implore myself to do better -- to be better -- next time. I slip easily into these patterns, but am learning to slip out more easily. In a leap forward from my old habits, I almost never reconsider the day's small injustices. It's nice to let these things go without a second thought.
So I'm getting better at leaving work in the hospital, but sometimes I fail. These people to whom I dedicate nearly all my waking hours seep into my off-duty thoughts. They grace my prayers and haunt my dreams.
This is one of those times, a reminder that while everything changes from moment to moment, once in a great while, the events of a single moment can change everything. How many more major lessons can a year of internship bring?
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5 comments:
I think it's great that you're working towards improving yourself and taking the time to do some self-reflection. A surgeon told me pretty much the same thing, that it's important to leave your work at work so you can learn to relax 100% when you do have precious free time.
PS. I've stood on that street corner before. ;)
Great advice from the surgeon!
What exactly were you doing on that street corner? ;-)
Choice of photo is a tribute to the dangers of distraction / not being in the moment. Hope those people had their seat belts on.
@ Anon: Definitely agreee!
I snapped this photo while stopped at a red light on my way to work on the day of this post. At least we can say no one exited at high speed through the windshield.
I was at the zoo with a group of friends. :)
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